Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence.
Abuse comes in many forms: Physical: Kicking, punching, shoving, slapping, pushing, and any other acts which hurt your body. Sexual: Calling you vulgar names, criticizing your body parts or sensuality, forced or pressured sexual acts, including rape. Emotional: Assaults against your self-esteem Verbal: Name-calling, threats, put-downs Psychological: Causing you to feel as if you are "going crazy" Financial: Controlling and manipulating you by threatening your economic status and basic needs
WHY DON'T ABUSED WOMEN JUST LEAVE THEIR ABUSERS?
She loves her partner. It is the abuse she hates, not the abuser
The relationship is not always bad; at times it is very good
Her partner promises to change
She wants to keep her family intact
She does not define her experience as abuse
She believes all relationships are like hers
She may come from an abusive home and never have experienced any other type of relationship
Her religion stresses the sanctity of marriage and the family
She feels sorry for her partner
She believes he can't help himself and that he needs her
She believes the abuse is her fault and that she can find a way to make things right if only she tries hard enough
She is ashamed of having other people find out she is abused
She is afraid that no one will believe she is battered or abused because her partner is so nice to everyone else
She feels she has no place to go if she leaves
She is afraid to be alone. Many women have never lived by themselves
She has been convinced that no one else will ever want her
She has no job or money
She is afraid she won’t be able to make it on her own
She is humiliated by the thought of having to go on welfare
She is unaware of the social services available to her
She may not trust the social service system
She is unaware of her legal rights
She fears she may be unable to protect or provide for her children
Her partner threatens to take the children away
She is afraid he will turn the children against her
He keeps telling her she is crazy and she has begun to believe it
He threatens to report her to “the authorities” as a bad parent.
He threatens to harm the children if she leaves
She fears he will follow her and find her wherever she goes
He threatens to kill himself if she leaves
He threatens to kill her
Did you know
Over 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
Each year approximately 2 million women suffer non-fatal but serious violence at the hands of their current or former intimate partner.
Approximately 30% of female homicide victims are killed by their present or former intimate male partner.
Approximately half of abused women are battered during pregnancy.
Abused women are 5 times more likely to attempt suicide.
Over 75% of violent children have witnessed violence between their parents.
Violent Juvenile delinquents are 4 times more likely to come from homes in which their fathers beat their mothers
Studies show that boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their partners as adults than boys raised in non-violent homes, and that children from violent homes have significantly higher rates of alcohol and/or drug abuse.
Approximately 25% of convicted violent offenders in local jails and approximately 7% of violent offenders in state prisons are incarcerated for committing those crimes against an intimate partner.
Remember
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner.
Domestic Violence occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race. It is the leading cause of injury to women. You have the right to be safe.
Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a behavioral choice for which the batterer must be held accountable. You cannot change the batterer’s behavior. Changes in the behavior of family members will not cause the batterer to stop the violence.
An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Women and children are not property. Domestic Violence is a crime in the United States.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
STAGE TWO
The Abuse Stage
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
STAGE THREE
The Remorse Stage
Once the violence is over, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
Abusive relationships are based on the mistaken belief that one person has the right to control another. When the actions described in the spokes of this wheel and on the next page don't work, the person in power moves on to actual physical and sexual violence. The relationship is based on the exercise of power to gain and maintain control. The dignity of both partners is stripped away.
www.pcadv.org (Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence) www.ndvh.org (The National Domestic Violence Hotline) www.ncadv.org (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) www.palawhelp.org (Online Guide to Legal Information and Legal Service in PA)
Sexual assault is a crime of violence and anger. It is not about sex or passion. It is an act of aggression, against a person’s will.
Sexual assault can happen to an adult or a child. Adults are sexually assaulted when someone forces, coerces or tricks them into some kind of sexual activity against their will. Sexual assault happens when someone does not consent to the sexual act. This might mean that someone does not what to have sex, but is forced to. It might mean that because someone is high, she/he does not have the capacity to agree to the activity. Being “taken advantage of” while you are high is a form or sexual assault. Sexual assault Includes:
Unwanted touching
Rape
Attempted Rape
Incest
Child Molestation
Sexual Harassment
Sexual Exploitation
Other Forms of Sexual Violence
What To Do If You Have Been Raped
Get to a place that is safe!
Seek Medical Attention.
Do not change your clothing
Do not bathe, shower or douche
Do not drink, eat or smoke
Get medical attention as soon as possible
www.rainn.org(R.A.I.N.N. Rape, Assault & Incest National Network)
www.pcar.org (Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape)
www.ncvc.org (The NationalCenter For Victims of Crime)
Because most children cannot or do not reveal sexual abuse, it is up to concerned adults to recognize the signs. None of these behaviors alone indicate abuse, however a combination of these over a period of time may strongly indicate that the child is being sexually abused.
The following is a list of several common signs of child sexual abuse:
Physical complains “stomach” ache
Fear or dislike of certain people or places
Extreme changes in behavior
Depression or withdrawal
Sleep disturbances; nightmares
Regression to infantile behaviors
Age-inappropriate interest in sexual matters
Excessive masturbation
Frequent genital infections or irritation
Difficulty with bowel movements, urinating or swallowing
In older children, you may see additional behaviors such as:
Sexual violence can and does happen to males. Men and boys are sexually assaulted and molested every day in the United States. However, false assumptions, popular stereotypes and the belief that men are immune from sexual assault help us ignore the facts of male rape. This ignorance adds to the shame and isolation of male victims.
Did You Know
Most sexual assaults of males are perpetrated by other males. However, male rape has nothing to do with the sexual orientation of either the victim or the offender. Rape is not an expression of sexuality; it is a crime that is motivated by a need to control, humiliate, and harm. Therefore, male rape does not mean that a heterosexual victim will become gay, or that a homosexual victim caused the assault.
It is estimated that 70% of all rapes are committed by someone known to the victim.
Because of gender stereotypes and rape myths in our society, it is common to blame the victim – for dressing suggestively, having too much to drink, taking a walk alone, inviting someone into his/her bedroom. However, no matter when, where, or how it happened, sexual violence is not the victim’s fault. Bad judgment is never a rape-able offense.
Remember
You are not to blame for the abuse no matter how it occurred or how you responded to it. No one ever has the right to abuse anyone else for any reason.
You did not ask to be abused, no matter what you did or who abused you. No one ever wants to be abused; we do want attention, affection, to be touched and comforted. But wanting affection does not mean that you want to be abused.
You did not deserve to be abused. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do. Even if you were abused while drinking or using drugs, it doesn’t mean the person who abused you had the right to do what she/he did. No one ever has the right to abuse another person.
You are not alone. Estimates are that one in three girls and one in five boys have been sexually abused before the age of 18. One in two women will experience sexual assault in her lifetime. Sexual abuse happens in our world and you share these experiences with many other people.
Batterers in same sex relationships use the same power and control tactics as heterosexual batterers. They blame the victim, deny or minimize the abuse, and resist being accountable for their violence. Victims feel afraid, isolated and ashamed, take responsibility for the abuse, and face many barriers in leaving the relationship. Societal homophobia also causes lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgendered to face additional obstacles to safety and services including:
Fear of losing custody of your children, your job, or family support if your sexual orientation is revealed.
Becoming a target for anti-lesbian/gay violence.
Extremely limited resources, for you and the batterer.
Inappropriate, insensitive, and homophobic responses from service providers and the criminal justice system.
Further stigmatization because of the abuser's violence.
Ostracism from the lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender communities for revealing the violence.
Emotional abuse by the batterer, including questioning your "real" orientation and reinforcing society's view of same sex relationships as perverse or bad.
Threats by the abuser to "out" you to your family, friends, and employers.
Denial of the existence of same sex battering by referring to the violence as "mutual" battering.
www.ssdv.acon.org.au (Another Closet Domestic Violence in Gay and Lesbian Relationships)
You are not to blame for the violence or the threats.
You do not deserve to be abused.
You have a right to live without fear.
You have the right to a safe, healthy relationship and to have your own life.
You cannot control the abuser's behaviour.
Abuse often gets worse over time.
Tell someone you trust what is happening to you.
Ask others for help if you need it.
If someone is hurting or threatening you, or if it is not safe for you where you are, call the police.
Find out more from community resources about your options to take care of your financial security and personal needs.
Call for counseling and support.
Make a safety plan in case you have to leave quickly:
If you are not ready, or do not want to do anything right now, that is your choice—it is okay. But you can find out information about what you need to know, or do, if you decide to leave at a later date. Information gives you personal choice and personal power.
www.pcadv.org (Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
www.ndvh.org (The National Domestic Violence Hotline)
www.ncadv.org (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
www.palawhelp.org (Online Guide to Legal Information and Legal Service in PA)
